(94) Push Yourself Too Hard & You WILL PUSH BACK!!

* Although written as flash fiction, most of this story is true.

Michael was confident, outgoing, and a very successful insurance salesman. Who said he was killing himself.

On this particular day, he surprised me by asking to tag along to a session of group psychology. Once there, he again surprised me by volunteering to go first.

He then dropped his head and remained silent. I could not imagine what was coming. The eight of us waited; the silence stretched.

Finally, he began mumbling. As he raised his head, I heard, "-- take it anymore. I just can’t. I'm killing myself.”

He dropped his head again, trying to stifle the tears.

I was dumbfounded. Michael was the strongest guy I knew.

The psychologist —call me Dr. J— casually leaned back and waited. The rest of us sat uncomfortably, looking everywhere but at each other.

Eventually, Dr. J said, “You are very hard on yourself.”

With his head still down, Michael murmured, “Yes.”

Dr. J asked, “How?”

Michael looked up, eyes red, and said, “I work day and night.”

“Do you eat lunch?”

He nodded and said, “After a morning of cold-calling, I usually grab something at my desk.”

“Dinner?”

“Not usually. I have potential clients to see. It takes a lot to be successful.”

“Do you put yourself off when you have to use the toilet?”

Michael hesitated and then reluctantly nodded.

“After you have pushed yourself through a long day, and night, how do you push back?”

Michael seemed to understand the question and quietly answered, “I stay up too late watching movies.”

“And?”

“I eat the whole time.”

“And?”

“I drink too much.”

Dr. J paused and then asked, “Of what?”

He hesitated again and finally admitted, “I recently switched from beer to bourbon.”

Michael and I had been friends for years, and I wondered if I knew him at all.

Dr. J said, “So, the harder you push yourself, the harder you find yourself pushing back.”

I blurted, “You make it sound as if he is two people.”

Dr. J nodded and said, “We humans are made up of parts. Michel has a part that pushes/criticizes and an opposite part that rebels. He pushes hard through the day, often denying himself the basics, like food and the toilet; then later, he rebels with behavior that he ends up regretting.

He turned to Michael and asked, “Who are you, the Pusher or the Rebel?”

Michael seemed to finally have his emotions under control and said, “Uh, both I guess.”

“No!” yelled Dr. J. “Neither!!!”

He held the silence and then forcefully said, “You are the one who will release the struggle.”

Michael looked confused.

Dr. J glanced at each of us, as he said, “Thoughts and feelings are not the same as actions. You may be feeling and thinking like a Pusher, or a Rebel, but you can choose to act differently!"

He turned back to Michael and asked, “How would someone like you be living if he were not killing himself?”

Michael was silent for a while, then said, “Well, he would take time out for breakfast, as well as lunch and dinner.”

“What else?”

“He would take more time for themselves on the weekends.”

“And?”

“And he would find some fun things to do in that time off.”

Michael was talking faster, as he said: “He would also take an

occasional evening off, blocking out that time on his planner.

"And. He would cut back on eating and drinking at night.”

Dr. J smiled, as he said, “And you would be able to cut back, because you would be giving yourself more and pushing yourself less.”

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