(146) How to Use Mistakes to Build Self-Esteem (and inner-strength)

It had taken several weeks of late nights, but Marie was smiling, as she thought of her recent promotion to Marketing and how much the team would like this, her first report.

She entered the plush conference room and proudly began handing them out. She felt on top of the world, as she watched her boss leaf through it.

Franklin finally looked up and said, “This looks good Marie, but where is the Linderman section?”

Marie asked, “Linderman?” and felt her face flush red.

Near the end of that first, long meeting, Franklin had mentioned including Linderman’s area of the state.

Annabelle, the senior member of the team, incredulously asked, “You didn’t include it?”

The others had their eyes on the table.

Marie’s voice was quiet, as she said, “I, I remember we, well, we talked about it, and I just, um, forgot.”

This last was a whisper.

She knew how much he hated falling off schedule and glanced up to see his angry face.

He abruptly stood and barked “Take twenty minutes!”

The others followed him out, leaving Marie alone.

The silence was overwhelming.

Suddenly she heard, “Can I help?”

Marie looked up, tears brimming.

A short, balding man handed her a tissue and asked “What happened?”

The words came spilling out. She finished by saying, “And I feel so embarrassed, more than embarrassed.”

“Ashamed?” he asked.

“Yes, ashamed. How could I have forgotten a whole section of the report?”

“A feeling of shame is common after a big mistake.”

Marie blurted, “Who are you?”

“Dennis,” he answered. “I'm a psychologist the company brings in to support marketing. I was in the office across the hall and saw Franklin stomp out.”

She quietly said, “Marie.”

Dennis asked, “Do you know that you have never been wrong?

“What! This is a disaster!"

“Of course, and your mistake is thinking that your mistake is wrong.”

“But I feel so awful; I mean, I let these people down.”

“Yes, you did, but our society has taught you to think that what you did was wrong, even bad.”

Marie gave a quick shake of her head and said, “Okay, but so what?”

“Ah, the 'so what' is the choice you now face. You can continue to wallow in the blame and shame, or you can take responsibility and do everything possible to make it right.”

Marie looked away.

A full minute passed before she nodded to herself, turned to Dennis, and said, “Thank you.”

The team began returning. Franklin entered last and sat down hard.

Still angry, he leaned forward and said, “Without Linderman, we are behind schedule. Now, Annabelle, I want you to…”

Marie stood up and said, “Excuse me.”

She could feel her hands trembling and clasped them in front of her.

Forcing herself to look at her boss, she said, “I want to apologize…” Her voice cracked. She cleared her throat and tried again.

“I apologize for my mistake, and I have a solution. We can go over the first five sections of the report today and tomorrow.”

She paused and then plunged ahead. “I will complete Linderman tonight and tomorrow night, and we can use it, along with the final two sections on the third day.”

Franklin sat back. Silent.

Slowly, he said, “Yes, ok, that could work. Are you sure you can handle it?”

She hesitated, then nodded decisively and said, “Yes; and again, my apology to you all.”

As she sat down, Marie realized an inner glow had replaced much of the embarrassment and shame, and she sent Dennis a silent thank you.

But

Although admitting a mistake is the first step to making things right (or at least better), for some of us, the thought of admitting a mistake can feel too awful to even try. I know.

Here are 3 steps that can help:

1.) Start by admitting your mistakes to yourself. If you are alone, admit them nice and loud.

These self-admissions might be difficult at first because nobody wants to feel the negative emotions that go with them. But each time you face those emotions, your inner strength increases, along with your self-esteem.

And self-admissions will make it easier to do it out in the world; so, go ahead, give yourself permission to feel awful.

2.) Work with a partner: give this post to a friend, and then have some fun pretending. Take turns admitting a mistake (of the past?), apologizing, and saying what you will do to fix it. Do this over several sessions.

And yes, though it is not nearly as fun, you can do this on your own.

3.) Make your first public admissions as gentle and as easy on yourself as possible, by starting with small mistakes. And keep reminding yourself that standing up and admitting a mistake can feel amazing, especially if you suggest a way to make things right.

Also remind yourself that you are growing stronger with each attempt, even when you fall short of your goal.

Get tips, tricks, and insights, like this post, sent directly to your inbox every 9 days :

Your address is 100% secure. And no spam ever.

But Not Now

Even after we begin admitting our mistakes, it can take a while to feel the change in our lives. If you want to move faster into a better life, here is the link:

How to Raise Your Quality of Life IMMEDIATELY