(22) You Deserve More Compliments

The boss called and told me to come in on my day off; some visitors needed help; but, why me? ​

During the afternoon, I finally asked one of the guests, and she told me that they had requested the best. I froze, quickly nodded and moved on. ​

Later, I pulled her aside and admitted, “Sometimes I have trouble with compliments. Thank you for that.” ​

Most of my life has been spent hating compliments (because they felt so uncomfortable) and loving them (because they felt so good), and I rejected them all.

And apparently, I am not alone:

Some people reject them by playing a game of catch and throwing the compliment right back: “That’s a nice jacket.” “Oh, uh, I like your shirt too.”

Some duck their heads and mumble their way out of it, while others completely negate it: "Oh, this old thing? And it didn’t even cost much."

Still others are greatly generous as they deflect the compliment with kind words toward the designer, the store, or you.

And finally, some verbally bury it by going into a tedious explanation of where they bought it, what it cost, and did you know the store almost went out of business! ​​

Why reject compliments? Some people are afraid they will appear egotistical, while others feel undeserving and still others want to avoid feeling indebted.

Using a Compliment to Raise Your Self-Esteem

On the most basic level, compliments are a validation of who we are. We deserve them, even when it feels like we do not. And we can use them to lift our lives. Here is how.

1) Stop & Start - Stop second-guessing motives, stop deflecting, and start responding with a simple Thank you, and...

2) Breathe - A simple Thank you can bring up some discomfort, which automatically tightens the body and breath. That tightness blocks the positive effects of a compliment, so... right then, or replaying it later, breathe out the tension.

3) Let it in - as you relax, let the validation of your compliment settle deep into the place you feel vulnerable. Do not try to find this place; just breathe out any tension and let the compliment settle in.

With practice, letting your compliments all the way in will get easier, and relaxing will increase the nice lift you normally feel; so, replay it as often as you like.

Get More

I hope you are feeling excited about putting compliments to work for you; but, where are they?

One way to bring in more is to start giving more. HOWEVER, 'giving to get' never works, because people sense the motive; even when a compliment comes back, it can feel 'bought'.​

Instead, give compliments, without expecting a return, and reap these 3 benefits:

1.) a deeper, stronger relationship (which can come from even one, freely given compliment);

2.) the good feeling of watching others brighten; and,

3.) knowing that compliments can come flowing back later.

​The hardest part of this can be that Oscar-winning performance, as we convincingly act as if we do not expect a return (by simply continuing the conversation).

​And the easiest part? It should be the giving. After all, it takes but a moment to find something to like and about the same amount of time to say it.

​But for some of us, it is not easy. The key is to go ahead, do it anyway, and not let a negative reluctance get in the way of your goal: uplifting along with those around you.

Another way to bring in more compliments is to use your friends: give them this post; and then suggest, “Every time we talk, let’s give each other one, genuine compliment.”​

After some initial laughter/discomfort, this experience can bring you closer, and feel both enjoyable and fulfilling.​

To sum up, the key to success is persistence, as you 1.) lift those around you one compliment at a time; 2.) stop second-guessing motives, stop deflecting and start responding with a soft “Thank you"; and, 3.) let go of the tension, as each compliment settles deep within.

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