(67) Feel More (& Free Yourself)

I watched my spaceship circling round and round when suddenly, it disappeared. My mother found me crying, shirt soaked, hand deep in the toilet. Pulling me into her arms, she murmured, “Don’t cry dear; it's alright. Don’t cry.”

That evening, I was calling my dog.

As I stepped off the back porch, my father broke the news: Fellow had bitten the mail carrier, and Animal Control had taken him away.

My mother tried to console me, saying again and again, “It’s okay Dear. Don’t cry. It will be alright. Don't cry.”

Finally, my father yelled, “Stop that crying, or I'll give you something to cry about! Stop it now!”

“And you did,” said the tall, bald psychologist, Dr. J (who my wife had pushed me to see).

“Did what?” I asked, opening a clenched fist.

“Why did you want this session?” countered Dr. J, who had an annoying habit of switching topics.

“You know, my, uh, wife left me.”

“Why?”

“She says that I don't share myself, that I am too distant.”

“And so you are,” he said. “At forty-two years old, you continue to obey your parent’s directive: ‘Don’t feel.’”

“But I feel!”

“What?” he challenged, “What do you feel?”

“I, uh, anger,” I said.

I realized my fist had closed again and casually opened it, hoping he did not notice.

Dr. J leaned forward and said, “Anger is often an ‘instead of ’ emotion, a

defensive emotion. When was the last time you felt something else, like hurt?”

I sat thinking, searching my memory, reaching back. Dr. J finally motioned with his hands to hurry up. I blew out an exasperated breath, admitting defeat.

He smiled sadly and said, “Your wife just left you.”

He let that sink in and added, “You stop yourself from feeling negative emotions, but that also keeps you from feeling more of the positive ones. And if you felt more, you could share more, with your wife and others.”

I hated hearing the whine in my voice, as I asked, “How am I supposed to do that?”

He countered, “A few years ago when your mother died, how did you handle it?”

“I went right back to work,” I said, with a touch of pride.

“And last week when your wife left?”

“I, uh, I've been working more.”

“Working more,” he repeated voice flat. “And when you are not working, what do you do?”

I shook my head, trying to keep up with him: “Uh, I like to read, watch movies or hang out with friends.”

Then I blurted, “Wait! I don't understand!”

“Come on,” said Dr. J. “At the first sign of a negative feeling, you distract yourself with work, a movie, or people.”

“No!” I blurted. “I've been working more because I have the extra time.”

“Do you snack when you're not hungry?”

I reluctantly admitted I did.

“So, that is one more way that you avoid feeling negative. And there are many others that people use. Alcohol and/or drugs, gambling, food, and sex to name a few. Those addictions are basically distractions, ways to avoid those negative emotions.”

“Alright, okay,” I said, “just tell me what I have to do to bring my wife home.”

“You must be willing to feel uncomfortable.”

“Okay, I can do that,” I said. “I am willing to feel uncomfortable. Is that it?”

Dr. J laughed and said, “When you find yourself beginning, or already in, a distraction, stop. Take a moment to gently ask yourself what you are feeling.”

I opened my mouth to reply, but Dr. J continued, “Also, when you feel irritable or angry, take a peek underneath and, again, ask yourself what is really there.”

He pushed himself out of the chair and began pacing, something I was not allowed to do.

He continued, “And whenever you catch even the hint of a feeling, voice it. Say, ‘I feel sad, hurt, afraid’ or whatever you even guess you might be feeling.”

He was now motioning with his hands and waving his arms.

“Say it aloud. Say it several times. Shout it from the rooftops!!!” he yelled.

I began to laugh and abruptly stopped.

“Hurt," I said. "When my wife left, I felt hurt; angry too, very angry. And hurt.”

My eyes began to tear, as I thought, "Maybe this counseling stuff isn't such a good idea."

3 Emotional Realities

1. Feeling a negative emotion always releases it. The more we feel, the more we release, the freer we are.

2. Feeling negative emotions does not make us negative people. We can be thinking and feeling negative and choose to speak and behave in positive ways.

3. Inner strength increases a bit every time we face what we do not want to feel.

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