(72-73) How to Stop Feeling Guilty

I answered the door to a draft of cold air and stifled a moan. He was dark, ugly, and far too big.

Guilt moved to come in, but I blocked him.

“What is it this time?” I asked, hearing the fear in my voice.

He just stared. Right through me.

A nervous silence stretched, until I blurted, “It's my assistant, isn’t it? I yelled at her, and now I am supposed to feel guilty. But, uh, I can't; I, uh, don't have any more room.”

In a vaguely threatening voice, Guilt asked, “No room?”

I panicked and quickly added, “I, I'm so overloaded; there is just no more room!”

He gave up trying to come in and leaned against the doorframe, pretending he did not care.

“So you are hanging on to the old guilt,” he said. “Why?”

“Hanging on?” I asked.

He looked at me as if I were lacking and said, “Guilt is a feeling that says, ‘You missed the target.’ When you yelled at your assistant, you missed your target of treating people

considerately.”

“Yes, yes,” I said impatiently. “What did you mean by hanging on?”

He shook his head and sighed.

“After you make yourself feel bad enough, long enough, you have paid for missing the target.”

He looked at me like I was stupid and added, “Once you have paid, you are supposed to let it go.”

My eyes dropped to the floor. Silence surrounded us.

I finally whispered what had never been said, “After all this time, I still feel awful about hurting my sister. And she died.”

I looked up with tears in my eyes and pleaded, “How much time is enough?”

Guilt shrugged and said, “How should I know? My job is to help you with the next load; but, I have to say, you have never needed much help.”

Suddenly angry, I yelled, “Well I have too much now! I can’t take anymore!”

Guilt leaned in with his towering bulk. I cringed.

His voice rumbled, “Like it or not, you already feel guilty for yelling at your assistant.”

I inched back slowly.

He straightened, and with a sarcastic edge to his voice said, “Besides, you are the one in control. You can change your behavior and hit the target, or you can change the target.”

I frowned and began a question, but he shook his head and asked, “How do you feel when you overeat?”

I fumbled to switch topics and said, “Bad. I feel guilty.”

“But you are not overweight.”

“My mom told us that eating too much is hard on the digestive system.”

Guilt laughed and said, “So your mom set the target. When you overeat is it really too much?”

Thoughtfully, I said, “No, probably not; but wait. Do you mean that I can reset the target and make it okay to eat more?”

With some excitement, I added, “Or I can decide not to have a target at all!”

Guilt turned to leave.

“Wait!” I shouted. “Deciding targets is about stopping new guilt. How do I get rid of the old?”

He stopped, looked back, and with unexpected kindness said, “You can, of course, forgive yourself for being hard on your sister. You were children; you were doing the best you could; and she died from a heart operation, not from anything you did.”

I finally turned back into the warmth of the room, tears flooding my eyes, and softly whispered, “Forgive myself?” ­

Note – Self-forgiveness is always more effective with a gentle attitude, easy breathing, and a relaxed body.

Stopping the Guilt

Another way to stop new guilt is to know when we are rationalizing, like the time I wanted to get together with a married woman...

Well, here I am, in my car, in front of her house. I have been here a while, thinking about how easily, and often, I fool myself.

My daughter once told me that anything can be rationalized.

I wanted to object but couldn't. There have been times I have rationalized fudging my taxes, using pirated software, skipping some of my work at work, and spending more money than I could afford; and that is the shortlist.

But am I rationalizing a relationship with this woman? I am divorced, and she is separated; she is more than okay with us having sex (because her husband did it first, with her best friend); and, she had been thinking about divorcing him anyway.

Also, we are both adults, and it would be wonderfully consensual.

Am I rationalizing? Why do I feel so uncertain? YES, I do have a basic sense of right and wrong, but I have rationalized around it many times. How then can I separate rationalizing from reality?

Her car turned into the driveway; she was early.

Silently, she took my hand and led me to the couch. She hesitated and then sat next to me.

The silence stretched.

I cleared my throat to ask, but she abruptly said, “I’m not sure we should do this. I mean, I want to, but…” Her voice trailed off.

At that moment, I realized how I could know when I was fooling myself.

I cleared my throat again and proceeded to list the rationalizations I had been telling myself.

As I reached the end, she began to object, but I stopped her with, “On the other hand, you are not completely over him. In fact, you might end up staying together, and any relationship we have would only muddle your situation.”

I paused and then added, “But mostly, even though you are separated, I would feel uncomfortable being with a married woman.”

She looked relieved, as I felt the loss.

On my way home, I marveled at the solution. Separating reality from rationalizing is easy: Whenever I tell myself it is okay to do something, I can be sure that it is not. A situation that feels right never needs explaining or reasons.

I also realized that the amount of rationalizing always equals the amount of wrong. The bigger the offense, the more rationalizing I need to stifle the feelings of guilt (before and after).

Judging by the amount of rationalizing I was doing over her, I would have felt a heavy load and would have had to repeatedly tell myself it was okay.

Although I felt the loss of her (and the fun we could have had), I was feeling a stronger sense of self-esteem and inner strength. And I liked not feeling the guilt.

It Never Works

Criticizing ourselves for mistakes only causes us more pain/guilt; so, why do it? I think it is because we believe that if we are hard enough on ourselves, we will not do it again. But has that ever worked?

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