(144) Forgiveness Has Nothing to do With THEM.

Some things are unforgivable, like my father yelling, almost screaming at me from age two. At age six, he began using his belt (and not on the backside). And, of course, there were his constant criticisms and put-downs.

What he did to me and my brothers was unforgivable, and he does not just get to walk away! But Mom pushed me into a religious upbringing, which meant that I should forgive him.

So I did, over and over.

But a few moments later, I was just as angry (hurt and sad) and just as nervous, needy and distant when Dad was around.

But I kept trying:

* Over the years, I (occasionally) whispered or yelled, I forgive you;

* On New Year’s Eve, I wrote out my pain and then burned the paper – 2 years in a row;

* I even wrote him a letter (rewriting it five times to edit out the blame);

* And NOTHING changed.

Locked in the Past

True forgiveness has little to do with those that hurt us and everything to do with freeing ourselves.

Yes! Some things are unforgivable, but without forgiveness, we stay stuck, glued to the past and the pain. Long after my Dad died, he was still hurting me.

Eventually, I realized that forgiveness does work and that each and every act of forgiving frees us a bit more. The key is persistence.

Here are 6 ideas that can help:

1. Set Boundaries: If the person who hurt you is still in your life, stop showing them your resentment &/or stop trying to make them feel bad. Instead, set up a barrier of distant friendliness.

* Culprits hate seeing us suddenly unaffected by them as we live our lives our way.

2. Speed the process of forgiveness by wishing them a good life. What!?

I know; I know. It is difficult to even think about wishing them well, but you soften your own resistance to forgiving them each time you do.

And less resistance means sooner freedom for you.

3. Expand your life so that when thoughts of the offender come to mind, you are out in the world following your interests, pursuing your dreams and living as if they had never hurt you.

4. Finally, use any negative thoughts as reminders to forgive them, wish them a good life, and take more positive action in yours.

And remember, every act, every thought, and every word of forgiveness releases us that much more (even when it does not feel that way).

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