(7) How to Care About Others & Do What's Right for You (at the same time)

From the earliest age, we are taught to share: my cookies, your wagon, his toy; but how much did we really learn?

Sharing hurt then, it hurts now. An unpopular view, I know, but do we really need to pretend otherwise?

Remember the fiasco over that last piece of cake?

“Go ahead and take it, it’s yours.”

“No, you have it.”

“No, you should have it,” etc., ad nauseam

Dr. Laurence Peter wrote, “There are two kinds of egotists: those who admit it, and the rest of us.”

I looked up the word, egotist: Those who are limited to or caring only about themselves and their own needs.

Those who believe Dr. Peter also believe that altruism is rare to non-existent, that there is a payoff for our every action, and that even charitable acts yield good feelings (including that self-satisfied pat on the back).

When the dust of outrage finally settles over that last paragraph, I ask this question: Is it really so bad to selfishly say what we want, loud and clear? I mean, what if everybody spoke up in their own self-interest?

As a wise man once asked, “Who is going to take care of me? You?”

Which brings us to the big question, the point of all this: Can we speak up for ourselves and care about others?

If your answer is no, then don’t speak up for that last piece of cake, the one just sitting there with several sets of eyes on it. Instead, wait for that painful moment of disappointment when another egotist does.

But how can we speak up for ourselves, if we have little or no experience? How can we speak up when it seems too difficult to even try?

Doing the Socially Impossible

Have you ever been cornered and had to listen to someone talk at you? Or said Yes to a favor when you wanted to say No?

I have, and my reaction to both was somewhere between quietly irritable and inaudibly angry. I have also felt this way when someone judged or criticized or made fun of me.

It is difficult to admit, but I was wrong to be angry at them; the culprit, you see, was standing in the opposite direction. It was me who was mad at me for not standing up for, yes, me. I very much needed to say No to the favor-asker, stop the long-winded and respond to those who put me down. But could not.

There were times I decided to speak up, built up my courage, and went out with a set jaw and clenched fists. And stayed silent. Again.

And all of that self-criticism, self-derision, and anger helped not at all.

Holding back was the way I was raised— silence, not confrontation —and I hated myself for being what I thought was weak; but I was not weak, just inexperienced.

The time or two I did speak up, I needed my irritation/anger as a shield. Telling someone quietly and reasonably what I thought was just too far outside my experience.

The solution? Practice in safety.

Choose someone with whom you feel most comfortable, and ask them to help you with this (you will probably be helping them too).

For instance, they could play the role of a long-winded talker, while you have some fun stopping him/her in mid-sentence, excusing yourself, and leaving. Or you can practice saying No to favors, or respond quietly and reasonably to that last criticism.

You could even practice speaking up for that last piece of cake.

Role-playing can be fun, and it can give us the strength, experience, and courage to express more of who we are more often. Especially if we practice over several sessions.

And when you feel ready to speak up for real, let it be okay to botch it or even stay silent. Go out in the world with gentle empathy and self-support (not a clenched jaw and tight fists).

If the worst does happen, have some more fun practicing. Persistence is the key to enjoying the increased inner strength, self-esteem, and self-confidence you deserve.

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