(139) How to STOP that Awful Sarcasm & Put-Down Humor

* Here is how to shut down those jerks quietly and easily, and build inner strength too.

I froze, face reddening. Everyone looked at me, waiting to see how I would take the "joke."

Barely breathing, a smile pasted on my face; I felt resentful, hurt, and angry. I finally dropped my eyes, shook my head, and remained silent.

Sadly, I have known people who enjoyed spreading sarcasm and put-down humor: my father, 2 friends at school and even a romantic relationship.

And I rarely spoke up! I told myself I did not want to damage the relationship, but really, I hated confrontations. And deep down? Well, I thought I deserved it.

The few times I did speak up and object, they said, Lighten up, or I was only joking, or What’s wrong? Can’t take a joke?

When I persisted, tried to explain why I didn't like it, that it hurt, and if somebody had said it to them, they wouldn't like it either, they replied, You’re too sensitive.

I finally realized that no explanation would ever work with these people. They just will not/cannot admit that their words are hurtful.

Much later, I also realized that whatever I'm feeling is my truth. And if somebody thinks I am too sensitive, that is their problem. My problem is learning to stand up for myself.

How to Stop Them

There are two ways to shut down the meanest of ‘jokers’ quickly, quietly, and with your chin up.

In a group setting

Look at the person and ask, Where did that come from? This usually puts them on the defensive and scrambling for a response.

With an individual

I wrote this from the viewpoint of an abused woman: Last night, I forgot a bag of groceries in the car, and he said, “What, Alzheimer’s already?”

Then, this morning, I broke a coffee mug, and from the living room, he yelled, “I signed you up for a class in coordination. You start tomorrow.”

And later, he discovered a mistake in our checkbook and ‘joked,’ “If only you were smart too.”

To stop abuse from an individual, first try the same question: Where did that come from? If you do not think it will work, or it does not work, use these two steps:

1.) Choose a short sentence like That hurt, or I didn’t like that, or That felt awful.

2.) Then, in response to their sarcasm or put-down humor, say those words, and only those words, no matter what the joker says: do not argue, debate, or defend. Do not try to make them feel wrong or bad.

Simply repeat and keep repeating.

There will likely come a moment when they finally hear you, and if you repeat those simple words every time, there is a good chance they will stop.

If not, consider letting them go; you do not deserve to be treated that way.

If you have any trouble doing the above, try this: Have a friend play the role of abuser, and you practice asking, Where did that come from? or use your chosen words.

The goal is to find a quiet but strong voice and be sure to have some fun with it. Or, instead, imagine your abuser and practice in front of a mirror.

Your first efforts out in the world might not work because your voice/manner is not strong enough. But you deserve to feel the power and joy of standing up for yourself, so if you stumble or cannot do it at all, go back to practicing (no matter how much you might not want to).

And know that every practice session and every attempt to speak up increases your inner strength (regardless of how you feel)—every time.

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