(10) Emotional Dumping: How to Feel Better Without Making Someone Feel Worse

Part 1: If I were a woman who was losing her family

I hated being here. I was certainly not crazy, but 'end of your rope' had my name hanging from it, and I could not help wondering if--

The side door opened, and he walked in, very tall and completely bald. He sat without a word and looked at me for a long, uncomfortable moment.

Finally, he asked, “What are you doing here?”

“My, uh, my husband left,” I stammered.

“What happened?”

With a heavy sigh, I said, “I don’t know.”

“Tell me what he said.”

“That I’m too angry. Too sarcastic.”

“Are you?”

“What’s too much?” I asked irritably. “I express what I feel.”

“Wow,” he said. “The first minute, and you’ve already nailed the problem.”

I frowned and snapped, “What problem? I thought you psychology types wanted us to feel our feelings.”

“You said to express.”

“If I don’t express, I’m not feeling,” I said, irritated.

“Do you express to others? Do you have children?”

I gave him a short, clipped “Yes and yes.”

He stood and asked, “After expressing sarcasm to your husband, how do you feel?”

Suddenly uncomfortable, I remained silent.

Moving behind his chair, he said, “Come on. Do you feel better or worse?”

“Worse,” I whispered.

“And you also feel worse after expressing your anger.”

“No,” I objected. “I feel better.”

He slowly shook his head and said, “Not for long, you don’t, especially when it's your children.”

He was right.

“So, expressing—let’s call it dumping—hasn’t worked for you, has it? Your husband is gone, and your children probably know to keep their distance.”

“But it’s not my fault,” I complained.

He looked out the window and asked, “Whose fault is it?”

Feeling ignored, I said, “If my husband didn’t say the things that set me off, and my children didn’t misbehave, I wouldn’t have to express myself.”

“Call it dumping,” he corrected, still looking out the window.

He finally turned around and asked, “On your good days, when everything is going just right, do you dump your feelings?”

I hesitated and then admitted, “Not as much.”

“And when you are having a bad day, I bet you really let everybody have it.”

I was silent.

He said, “It’s natural to try and make ourselves feel better by making someone else feel worse, but is it worth losing those we love?”

I started to object, but he talked right over me: “Besides, your husband and children don’t deserve it, and you don’t deserve the guilt.”

I hated the whine in my voice as I asked, “Then what am I supposed to do?”

He smiled sadly and said, “Take responsibility. It is you who has these negative feelings. They are yours. Keep them to yourself.”

“Stuff them, you mean.”

“Feel them, I mean. Feeling is not stuffing.”

Finally, he sat down, looked at me for a long moment, and said: “Do whatever you can to stop dumping on others; instead, dump all by yourself.”

“How?” I challenged.

“Beat on the bed and scream, dance to loud music while singing even louder, take a fast walk, or do almost anything physical. You could also release your pain by sitting and feeling it.”

He added, “Apologizing can also help you stop from dumping the next time.”

He fell silent, then shook his head and said, “Do it for your husband and children, but most of all, do it for yourself.”

Part 2: (That Was Fiction) This is Reality

It was a parent’s meeting. Everyone was shifting and fidgeting, and it had nothing to do with the hard, folding chairs. No, it was the warning.

We had just been told a letter would be coming, written by our children, and it would say what had never been said: that which bothered them about us.

The warning? Do not dump your feelings!

Apparently, we parents would be feeling anger, hurt, confusion, and the like, and we might want to dump those feelings back onto the source -- immediately.

I have since looked into this phenomenon, and emotional dumping is as common as mud after a rain: a boss yells at his assistant, who is then angry at her boyfriend, who later gives the barista a hard time, who immediately turns around and...

When life is not going well, when we are sick, disappointed, or denied, or when someone dumps on us, we experience feelings we neither like nor want, and many of us cannot get rid of them fast enough.

And the targets we use are always safe, like cab drivers, restaurant servers, and cashiers; also included are the smaller, weaker among us, and, of course, spouses and children.

Some people even dump from the safety of their vehicles, using their horns, voices, and middle digits.

The oddest part of all this is that it always feels like your fault. If you had only done or not done whatever, I would not have gone off on you, and it continues to feel like your fault until that nagging bit of guilt sets in.

How to avoid guilt and damaged relationships?

Take responsibility: those unwanted feelings are within me, which makes them mine (like it or not); you do not deserve them;

It is also best to pour those feelings out on a non-human target or even feel them -- anything to keep my pain away from you.

Right! You want to know what happened when my daughter's letter came. My wife and I were going through a rough patch, and I never saw it. I’d like to think I would have handled it well, but--.

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