(161) Is the Past Making You Stronger? Or Weaker?

YOU CAN USE THE PAST TO INCREASE YOUR INNER STRENGTH

I was 3 years old and playing in the backyard when I heard the gate open. I froze, barely breathing, truck forgotten.

Would my Dad zero in on me and explode or walk by as if I did not exist? An explosion would mean the terror of his yelling, almost screaming. Walking by would be a relief, but I would wonder, What’s wrong with me?

His explosions continued until I was 14 and sometimes included a belt (not on the backside). The ignoring continued until I left his house.

And for most of my adult life, I remembered none of it!

Good, right? Terror, confusion, hurt and sadness, anger too, all buried. Out of sight, out of mind.

Except the relationship I had with my father was awkward. Around him, I felt on edge, nervous and withdrawn. I kept trying to relax and be myself, but it was impossible.

That is the way it was right up until his death. And even long after, I did not know why.

The answer? To my 3-year-old eyes, Dad looked like a screaming giant. I was terrified. I could not even begin to process that tsunami of horrifying emotion. So I buried it.

And for many of us, the same holds true of even the small traumas in life.

So what?

Not Me!

These days, we call it emotional baggage, but whatever the name, some people just will not believe they have any. They look inside and can not see anything, can not feel anything, so, really, there is nothing there.

Yet, when a bit of that past begins to surface, they dive into the nearest distraction: snacking when they are not hungry, working when there is not much to be done, or turning on the TV when they are not much interested.

These distractions (also known as addictions) include books, social media, drugs, alcohol, sex and more; anything, really, to keep from feeling what they are quite sure is not there.

Use the Past to Increase Inner Strength

NOTE: Some people refuse to feel anything negative because they fear becoming negative; they want to be positive! And they can be because no matter how negative we feel or think, we can choose to speak and act in positive ways.

Facing negative feelings makes us stronger because facing what we do not want to face always does. And the more we face those feelings, the stronger we become, bit by bit.

Plus, feeling those negative emotions releases them, freeing us.

If I could have acknowledged my negative feelings for Dad when he was alive, I would have been less defensive with him, more accepting of him and able to share more of myself with him. Simply, I would have eventually relaxed and been myself.

Release The Past Faster

When a negative feeling comes up, the body perceives it as pain and automatically tightens against it -- every time. Our breathing is also restricted.

This tension keeps us from feeling too much, but it also keeps the past down and us stuck. Breathing out that tension (with each breath) allows us to feel more, which releases the pain faster (especially when relaxing the neck, shoulders and stomach).

But Don't

Because I pushed so hard to release those years of abuse, I can tell you what not to do:

1. Do not try to find negative emotions; do not try to feel more than is there. Relax with whatever is there.

2. After a few moments of feeling that emotion, the mind tends to skip away into thoughts (another way to distract ourselves). Gently bring yourself back to the present.

3. To help stay with a feeling longer, focus on your breath. Use it as an anchor.

4. And anytime you think you might be turning to a distraction, or if you find yourself in the middle of one, stop, breathe out the tension, and let yourself feel.

Above all, when your mind skips away or you find yourself distracted, be kind to yourself. Know that what you are doing is what you have always done. Your best.

And if you end up quitting, come back. Come back to freeing yourself from the past and increasing your inner strength.

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